How does a person feel whole once they realize they are a void of nothingness? Death is inevitable and once we are dead we are nothing. How do you escape this feeling of knowing you will be nothing at one point? That, that point can come at any moment in time?
Here you are again. Staring at the wall and you can feel the pressure in your chest and in your head, pushing against the inside of your body making you feel like there’s someone inside of you trying to get out. Your head feels like a balloon filled with too much helium that’s just about to pop. Your thoughts are intrusive and you decided to write because you had no one to talk to. It’s been years and you’ve met yourself here time after time, looking in every direction for some one to notice you aren’t there anymore. You aren’t you anymore. No one notices and you pick yourself up and feel strong because you did it by yourself. But then you have no one to share it with, no one who sees the pain. No one who sees how you overcame the pain alone in a quiet room while demons surrounded you screaming. I am alone.
In high school I attended a religious panel made up of the 5 major religions- the only religious leader who addressed the extremist understanding of their religion was the Islamic man. He addressed it as the “elephant in the room” and dedicated a majority of the time speaking on the panel trying to prove to a white predominant group of kids that the extremist understanding was NOT what his religion was. Did the Christian priest spend most of his time trying to prove his religion was not the extremist understanding? No. Are there years and years of extremist Christian groups carrying out violent acts on Americans? Yes. America has dehumanized the middle east- and every other country of people of color- long before 9/11 happened and Muslim communities (our fellow communities) suffer the most.
I wonder often which version of me people held on to. I’ve felt, I’m sure, every emotion there is to feel in 21 years of life. I spent years showing the only emotion I had to a mirror, this gave me perspective on my past reaction to the emotions boiling inside me year in and year out. I wonder which instance of my existence lays heavy on those who knew/know me. I wonder if each of them can pinpoint how they feel about me based off of one distinctive moment in time. I know others see me differently than I see myself, I know I see others differently than they see themselves. Which version of me people see spikes curiosity in my psyche as I know I’ve never been shy to share my deep, complex emotions and attitudes with the outside world.
Ps-i hope no one I know in person still follows this account, no one deserves to know me like this anymore
constantly in tune with her emotional side; known for being empathetic; when you cry, she may be close to tears as well and when you’re full of joy, it’ll bring her mood up as well; more often than not her nurturing or motherly instincts are at play in her day to day existence; take friendships and romantic relationships seriously, and tend to have a smaller circle of intimates with whom she is truly close to
has a stronger drive to keep a relationship alive; she is a giver; exerts a lot of effort just to keep the bond between her and her romantic partner alive; is passionate about expressing her love to her partners; she comes up with surprises just to keep her relationship interesting and meaningful; she wants to build a strong and lasting relationship with her partner; she wants to be there for the other person as much as she can be, and to spend as much quality time with them as possible
is very determined; she performs well and easily achieves something for herself; often strives to perfect the craft she is involved in and she keeps on striving to make an organization work; has a strong sense of commitment and dedication to something that she is passionate about
quiet, affable, even gentle; is fairly feminine - she is tactful, modest, and even a bit reserved; an unobtrusive, sensitive, yet determined and stoic manner
you might be creeped out by her observational skills, because it won’t take her long to know when you want to take a nap by the way you wrinkle your nose when you yawn; she pays attention to the way a person talks, the words they use, and their body language
she is already thinking way into the future; she goes deep with it, but she won’t tell you about it (for obvious reasons)
she is an “idealist dreamer” who puts her money where her mouth is and ends up as a “doer” too; her combination of idealism and practicality is apparently pretty rare
everything she incorporates into her life does become part of her identity, like it or not
private, perfectionistic, and tends to burn out easily; she can get there all too easily and needs to take care of herself and set limits
she has strong writing skills and enjoys expressing herself on paper; she is passionate and requires meaning and purpose in order to find a task fulfilling; she does well in professions where her need for a cause to work toward is met
doesn’t usually want to control others, nor does she want someone else telling her what to do; isn’t very interested–and does not take kindly to–formal hierarchies, and routine tasks that lack a “why”
